11) " Faith over Fear "

Today i have been thinking a lot about the " Law  of Tithing" We as memebers, we are asked to pay a full tithe, which is 10% of your total income. If you dont do this you dont qualify to recieve a temple recommend, if you dont go to the temple you wont make it to the Celestial Kingdom or be entitled to certain " blessings" It is a lot of pressure. We are taught that the tithing money is used to build up the Lords house, our Temples and is used for humanitarian services to help people in times of disaster. 

        As a memeber i didnt know that the Law of tithing has changed over the years. I didnt know the church owns a shopping mall in Salt Lake City,  i didnt know that the church is connected to 13 LLC companies. These companies collectively owned the stocks at the end of 2017 and provides the collective value at $ 32,769,914,000. There is a lot of information on Mormonleaks.com.
The LDS Church has not disclosed its finances since 1959. The church is a corporation and everytime you pay your tithing your feeding into it.

       So lets talk about how the law of tithing applied in my life. When Alan and I got married we tried so hard to be worthy temple reccomend holding members. When we hit hard times thats when we struggled so hard to pay a full tithe, but we wanted those blessings promised to us so we would do it. As a members we are told story after story of people who were dirt poor and they had a choice to make, they either pay tithing or buy groceries for there family. They would choose tithing, and somehow magically money would just appear out of thin air and they had enough to provide.  What a blessing right? Well these stories made us feel like a piece of shit. Im sorry but magic isnt real, money doesnt just appear out of nowhere. Where were our blessings? We fought day after day to make it as a young couple with little kids, and a husband in school. I would be worried sick week after week, i would cry privately so Alan didnt know how worried i was. There were times we would stop paying our tithing and we could catch up on our day to day, paying bills, getting grocieries and buying diapers. We went through this agonizing cycle of me feeling a heavy burden to uplift Alan and encourage him to stay faithful, so we could pay a full tithe together. We would pay it fulling expecting to be blessed, we had the faith! I tried to put faith above the fear.

         This idea of putting Faith above Fear... its a tool that religions use to keep members faithful.  It invokes these feelings that are interpreted as a spiritual confirmation,  or experience. When you are joyfully giving all you have to the gospel you will be more willing to serve and give of all you have. If you dont pay..... the guilt.... the cycle of " If i had been more faithful i would have recived more blessings".... back n forth again and again, it was awful! Meanwhile as we cant afford to buy grocieries for our family we are depending on the church for help. We needed food and they paid some bills we couldnt afford to pay. Since leaving we got 10% of our income back! Now we can pay our bills, buy groceries and not feel the burden of not being worthy to receive blessings. In fact we have had little " miracles" if you want to call them that since we left that have helped us tremendously! Alan got a much deserved raise, i found 60 bucks in a random book, we also got a check in the mail for $300 from somewhere unexpected. Where were these " blessings" when i was crying on my knees begging God to help us? Why were we not blessed when we were being faithful and striving to be worthy?

      I cringe when i listen to my best friend vent about the struggles they are facing with her husband out of work and they are paying a full tithe. Where is there magic money? These stories the church tells us are just that, faith promoting stories with not a lick of truth in them. The LDS church is a corporation. I am so glad im out!

10) "Festivus for the rest of us!"

Whew, after i got those last posts out of my system a lot of the build up of anger i was feeling was released. I am feeling the build up again lol It is almost Christmas after all and my FB feed is filled with testimonies and posts of scriptures, its awful lol. My God the Shame and guilt that members feel for every tiny damn thing is soooooo crazy!!!  I think i am finally ready to say it, to embrace it, I am an Athiest. I repeat I AM AN ATHIEST!!!
Ahhhh damn that felt good. 

     This holiday season has really helped me to realize how i feel and to sort out all the thoughts and feelings i have had. Atheism does not make me an angry, spiteful, lost, soulless person. I had a friend put it into perspective for me once. She said "What if there is nothing after this life, how would you treat people ? At that moment i realized why religion is so awful. Every single time religion is involved people treat others so horribly. We are judgmental, we shame people we think we have the real truth and when we look at others we cant help but see there "sins" With Mormons it is so much worse because if someone drinks coffee or tea oh man that is a sin. If someone wears shorts above the knee or a tanktop oh man how sinful. If someone has a tattoo or " more than one set of modest earrings" oh man SIN! we are programmed to believe that all of these things are so bad and wrong and sinful. We look at these people of the "world" we see the sin and we then  have to choose to think and look for things that are great or beautiful about this person and think about how much God must love them. We remind ourselves that they are children of God, but that isnt how to love someone. Why do we always have to jump through hoops to see the good and beauty in people?  Without religion it has just come naturally to me!! I see someone with a tattoo and i think oh wow that cool. I dont need to look through blinders to see someone as being good person, or to just think nice things about them. I am not perfect at it, but i am hell of a lot nicer and i like myself so much better this way. 

     The God in the Bible is such a jerk! He plays games, asking a Father to kill his son as some twisted game then  have him Prove his faith?! Wow no thanks. As Richard Dawkins once said " The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction; Jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogyistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalominiacal, sadomasochisic, capriciously, malevolent bully." 

   After Moses Dies and Joshua takes over, God sends him on a campaign of genocide. That's not hyperbole, God literally commands the Jews to wipe non- jews off the planet. He sends Joshua's armies out to kill men and women, to dash babies against rocks, to burn the cities and salt the fields, and even to destroy all the property that the gentiles had. Treasure, clothing, livestock you name it. The goal seems to have been to erase all gentiles of any evidence that they ever existed. That is how you serve the God of the Bible. 

  The Bible is riddled with Mass Murder, So is the BOM. Mormons have changed the vision of who God is and who Jesus Christ is. They try to paint this picture in your head of an all loving, gentle person who loves his Children but they ignore the stories  in there scriptures of God being a jerk! 

     I just cant get behind religion. If there is a God he i will have to not care one ioda about us serving him because there is to many lies and horrible things for us to sort through. I will not spend another second of my life serving a God, i will focus on what is right here in front of me. My family, my friends, my community. I will cherish every memory and encounter with those that i love. I will strive to better myself in ways that i choose to because that makes me happy. I will shed myself of Guilt and shame for my choices. I will love people for who they are and not recognize there "sin" as religion would have me do. I will experience happiness on a whole new level while in this life. 

     Religion sucks! I hate what it does to people. I am SO GRATEFUL I GOT OUT!  I hope more people can find the truth, and find there own way. 

9) " My Last Prayer"

        There are so many more things that i can share that are just out right lies from the church. Secrets, and things they dont want us to know. Each time i learn something new it just adds onto the pile at this point as my pile gets higher and higher it just strengthens my testimony that this church is not true, see what i did there? ;) When i first delved into polygamy i thought to myself Alright lets see if there is anything to this, lets see if all the people who are leaving the church in droves have a leg to stand on. I was blown away! I had no clue, no freakin clue. I was so lost in my Mormon bubble with my Mormon friends, my Mormon family, my Mormon way of life. I just couldnt see it, i didnt see the mass apostasy happening right before me. There are FB groups of "Ex-Mo's" ( people who leave) with thousands of people sharing there stories within this church and how they left. It is really eye opening and heartbreaking, i just wasnt really prepared for what would happen and where i would be today. I didnt look into these things with any intention to want to leave the church, i just wanted to learn more about my faith, i wanted to have an open mind and not judge my friends who had left. I just wanted to understand, but i cant " Un- know" all these things. I cant go back now! Everything i knew was just... gone, broken. Its a very scary place to be :( 

       You loose so much when you leave the church, now i have been asked what i DO believe now. Well this is hard question for me to answer. When i said my Last prayer , when i laid my whole heart broken and in pieces down and poured out my soul to him i walked away from that prayer with an emptiness inside of me. I knew that i had just lost everything i had every believed in. I think our minds have an amazing ability to protect us when we go through trauma. Now looking back, i think i knew that i didnt believe in God anymore, But it was to much, i wasnt able to handle it all at once, loosing everything. I went on desperately trying to hang on believing that God was real. I started to read the New Testament a lot. Everyday i was studying it, but there was something wrong. Why hadnt God answered me yet? Why after he knew that i had crumbled inside, why hadn't he rescued me? Why didnt i feel the spirit ? The silence broke my heart. All my life i have struggled to believe that i was worthy enough to be loved, i had always clung to the belief that God loved me no matter what was going on in my life. That was enough to get me through anything, suddenly my lifeline was gone. 

      You know what? I didnt sink, in Mormonism there is a great fear that without the church you just cant make it out in the big bad world. Everyday i got up, and i was grateful to not believe in a lie. The truth no matter what it is, is ALWAYS better than a lie. Everyday i was more sure of myself, i started to truly get to know myself, and ya know what? I like me! Im a good person, i make mistakes but i genuinely care a lot about people. I love to learn, i love to laugh and smile. I love to love and be loved in return. While i know all my posts seem so angry and like my life now really must suck lol But i have found happiness i didnt know was there. I have discovered so much about myself and about Alan! Oh how much i love that man, he is my rock. He loves me and treats me like his queen. Everyday is a gift, he makes me laugh and i feel so loved when i am with him. I love our lives together. :)

8) Gaslighting at it's finest

    Today i want to talk about the Book of Mormon ( BOM ) I have briefly mentioned that i had read the book 3 times and have started it a hundred times but not all the way through. When i attended seminary in High School i remember a lesson where we were asked to try to write scripture, the point of the lesson was to show that there is noway that Joseph could have made it up and written it himself. At the time that seemed like a perfectly good explanation, i definitely am not capable to writing scripture. We start learning about Joseph Smith at an early age, at age 3 when we attend primary on Sundays. It it there that we are shown pictures and we sing songs and have a sharing time lesson. The pictures that are shown are of Joseph sitting at a table with a lantern and he is studiously pouring over the Golden plates translating them with Oliver Cowdry. But this is not how the translation occurred. The church released the facts in the 2013 Book of Mormon Translation Essay. The church admitted to it later on in 2015 in the Ensign, a monthly church magazine you can subscribe to. Here is the truth, Joseph Smith used a rock in a hat for translating the Book of Mormon. In the CES letter it says " In other words, Joseph used the same magic devices or " Quija Board" that he used during his treasure hunting days. He put a rock - called a "peep stone" - in his hat and he put his face in the hat to tell his customers the location of buried treasure on their property. He also used this same method for translating the Book of Mormon, while the gold plates were covered, placed in another room, or even buried in the woods. The gold plates were not used for the translation of the Book of Mormon."  Well..... that's a shock! that is certainly not what i have taught my entire life! that is not what my children were being taught. It is so much more difficult to believe in something if you feel like you were lied to to begin with. I may have been able to do some mental gymnastics here and square that away in my brain somehow if they were just honest, but i guess i will never know. 
So in case you havent learned what Gaslighting is i will share because this is where is is used heavily. 
"The word comes from the 1938 play Gas Light about a man who attempts to hide his criminal activities by manipulating his wife into believing she is going insane. When his actions cause the gas lights of their apartment to dim, he insists nothing changed and tells her she must be imagining things.

Today, psychologists use the term gaslighting to refer to behavior that undermines another person’s perception of reality. A gaslighter uses tactics like denial, misdirection, deception, contradiction, and blame to confuse their victim and maintain control in the relationship. Regardless of whether the gaslighting is intentional or unintentional, victims begin to doubt what they are seeing, remembering, or feeling. Consequently, they no longer know who to trust or what is real. Victims of repeated gaslighting often feel like they are going crazy.

We laughed off the bureaucratic gaslighting that recently came from BYU. After all, whether students could buy caffeine on campus isn’t really that important. We were completely caught off guard, however, when we recognized the LDS church was gaslighting its members through a series of Gospel Topic Essays." 

Im going to share the description of gaslighting as it relates to the translation of the Book of Mormon, it says it better than i can. Here is the article i am quoting that gives many more examples, its a fascinating read i encourage you to take the time to read it, https://www.postmormonmentalhealth.com/blog/mormons-crazy-gaslighting/

Where did the book of Mormon come from? Here’s the story we were told: “[gold] plates were delivered to Joseph Smith, who translated them by the gift and power of God.” Throughout church curriculum — in music, art, videos, and magazines — we saw Joseph sitting at a table, studying the gold plates by candlelight, reading the translation to a scribe.

However, the historical evidence presented in this essay effectively erases fundamental elements from this long-held narrative. According to the essay, Joseph did not need to look at the plates in order to translate, nor did he need the tool that had been “kept and preserved by the hand of the Lord” and “handed down from generation to generation, for the purpose of interpreting languages.”

Instead, Joseph put his face in a hat and read words as they appeared on a brown seer stone — a stone he found while digging a well and which he had previously used for divining the locations of buried treasure and guardian spirits.

In the narrative you had consistently been taught, gold plates and the Urim and Thummim were essential to Joseph’s ability to bring forth the Book of Mormon. In the new narrative, Joseph not only doesn’t need to look at the plates, he can disregard the sacred tools the Lord gave him and turn an ordinary object into a “translation” tool. Apparently, it doesn’t matter if the sacred is swapped with the commonplace. 

Behind the scenes, the old translation story is being replaced with the new. If you are looking for images online and you realize the image of Joseph translating with the plates beside him has disappeared, we want you to know, you are not going crazy. History is being re-written without being corrected. Without a doubt, this is gaslighting.

Thinking about all of this again, and remembering how deceived and betrayed this makes me feel, i get so angry. It is so hard to describe to you how it feels, my moral compass that was the Mormon faith deceived me my entire life. I was told things that were not true and behind my back they are changing it, then blaming me for not knowing the information. It messes with your mind in a serious way and it takes YEARS to overcome and undo all of it. I have heard of so many people who have left the church that have had to get counseling because of the damage caused. 

So it begs the question, why were the golden plates even necessary then? why make this a focal point of the story if they didnt serve a purpose? Geez i just dont believe in a God that plays games?! Do you? 

7) " Follow the Prohet"

   Okay so lets talk about General Conference. For those that might not know this happens twice a year where the Mormons gather to listen to talks given from the Prophet and the Apostles and some other members of the General Presidency Auxiliaries. For a Member this is a joyous time, there is uplifting music they look forward to hearing from the Prophet and members believe that he  literally speaks for God, he is God's chosen mouthpiece. The messages are usually geared toward family and sometimes they give instruction, I think that most of the members are secretly waiting to hear something big, a new change or announcement. 

         This was my first conference outside of the church, i was nervous to watch but for me this was like okay im going to give this my true last shot. I was going into in with open ears and an open heart wanting to feel the spirit. Things were going fine.... until Elder Oaks got up to speak. 
He starts off talking about how we need to be searching for our truths and information. Okay first of all who is he to tell me how i search for my truth? for the truth that will ultimately be the basis for every decision i make? Is not my relationship between me and God none of his Damn Business? YES so stop telling me and all the members of your church HOW they find the truth for themselves. It is a scare tactic, Fear is the motivation. That is why information is labeled " anti- mormon" It doesn't matter if it is factual or true. If it doesnt fall in line with the Mormon narrative then it is not church approved and thus labeled as " Anti- Mormon".
Oh and i just love how he then lists the ONLY approved methods for finding truth in religion. 
1. Prayer
2.Holy Ghost
3. Study Scripture
4. WORDS OF MODERN PROPHETS

Let's look at number one. Prayer, Check i did that. I did that for weeks and weeks. 
Number two, the Holy Ghost umm the spirit never told me the things i were learning were NOT true. The spirit did not confirm to me that Pres. Nelson was the prophet. The spirit did not confirm to me that Jospeh Smith was a prophet. It also didnt tell me that the things i was learning about Joseph Smith were wrong. In fact quite the opposite, I will tell you that i knew what i was learning was true. I wont say it was the spirit because i dont believe in that anymore. Logic and sense told me that. Because all the pieces were starting to come together, i started to see it in all the stories i have been told, in the culture and patterns within the church, its everywhere if you look. 
Third, Study scripture. I got to be honest here guys i have read the BOM a few times and at this point i had learned how it came to be and any desire i had to read it went out the freakin window. How can i trust it now? Ill go over the translation next. 
Last but not least number four. Words of modern day prophets, oh yes how prophetic. Before i was even questioning the church i rejected the idea that the prophet is infallible and that he speaks for me. He talks are merely suggestions, if what he says can be applied to my life in such a away that it makes it better, great. im all for that. But he is just a man,  and when you no longer believe in Joseph Smith you no longer believe in any prophet. So with these methods how do i find truth to the things that i have learned? I prayed, i read, all that was left was to get in line and do what these men say. 
             Elder Oaks said "Those who once had spiritual vision can suffer from self-inflicted spiritual blindness."  
Self inflicted huh... These men take no responsibility for telling lies, for changing the history and the narrative and gaslighting its members. They put the blame on us if we have a crisis of faith. What a cop out. He says “Their problem does not lie in what they think they see; it lies in what they cannot yet see.” WOW! thanks Elder Oaks, actually i have a problem with what i DO see, i have a problem with The Gospel Topic Essays that YOUR church published. I have a problem with the Journals written by women who suffered horribly by the tortuous law of polygamy. I have a problem with how we treat the LGBTQ community and teach the members how to treat them. I have a problem with Bishops having closed door interviews with children and asking inappropriate sexual questions. Just ask some of your historians that know the doctrine, oh wait you cant. You excommunicated them because they learned all the lies and asked questions, that's right. Ya know i watched conference hoping to find some answers, but instead i was told Only listen to me, we have all the answers only we dont. lol
Bottom line is, If i have a relationship with God it doesnt involve anyone else! The leaders of the church dont get to punish me, and tell me how to live. Without Mormonism i am a good person! I dont hurt people, I love more and i cherish every moment here on earth. I just dont believe in a God that would punish me or segregate me from my family in heaven because i dont believe in Joseph Smith and his church. 

6) " You can leave the church, But you cant leave it alone"

      At this point I have been released from my calling in the Young Women for about 2 weeks or so, i cant remember exactly. I was living vicariously through my Best friend who is still an active Mormon, she serves in the YW. I would ask her about the girls and she would tell me about the activities they had. There was one night where i was sitting on the couch surfing social media on my phone and i watched a video of of my my YW singing in a choir. I was suddenly overcome with tears and i let myself mourn the loss of my calling serving those girls. My husband was in the kitchen and i walked up to him and just said " Alan im really sad, i really miss those girls and im upset i wont see them again. " He just held me and let me cry on his shoulder. That was a hard night, i still to this day miss them all so much but the sting isnt as strong.

        One of the things that Mormons like to say, and i will admit i have done this myself is " Why cant people who leave the church just leave the church alone." Let me answer that for you the best i can. Maybe it will help you understand what it feels like to leave. As a born n bred Mormon is is all i have known, in my life from teenager years, to collage to dating and marriage to having kids all of those years decisions were made based off my beliefs in my religion. I didn't drink, i didn't have sex before i was married, i didn't drink coffee, i didn't wear shorts shorter than my knees. I made plenty of mistakes and dumb choices but i didn't get to experience the things that almost everyone outside of Mormonism does. So at the age of 32 i get to a point where i start asking some questions, and with each topic of Doctrine in the church my shelves start to crack. Some say that these shelves represent things you had questions about but you put it on the shelf and ignored it. While that is true for me as well,  i also see it as shelves of LDS doctrine even is you didn't question it. Someone once shared a story with me and you might have heard it. It compares leaving the church to spilled beans. When i discovered the truth about polygamy it was like the shelf of beans fell, a large CRASH and they went rolling all over the floor and in a panic i try to pick up all the beans. Then another shelf starts to crack and i panic thinking " Please God no not again". Crash! the shelf that once held the belief that the First Vision account is the ONLY account and the true account, that shelf fell. i now have hundreds and hundreds of beans spilled everywhere. More shelves start falling, Blacks and the priesthood, The book of Abraham, Second Anointing, Counterfeiting, LGBTQ issues, 2015 policy, Tithing, Gas lighting, Translation of the BOM, and so.much. more! At this point i have thousands of beans and i sit on the floor surrounded by the lies, the questions and truth and i dont know how to put it all back together.
           I feel tricked and it makes me so angry! i want to grab handfuls of the beans and throw them at the mirror and shatter the glass into a million little shards. I have been brainwashed to believe a lie, i am a member of a Cult. As strongly as members believe they "know" the church i true. I KNOW it is not. I know that Joseph Smith was a liar and he made it all up, he is the greatest con man to ever live. I want to share it! I want everyone to know what i have experienced. I see this church as harmful, and dangerous. Just like Mormons want share there testimonies all the time, they go on FB and declare there belief in Christ and the restoration. This is no different.

                 I thought about all the experiences i was robbed of. Some would say i was still able to choose those things, but i wasn't really because my salvation was being dangled in front of me. There is a punishment and consequence for making choices. Drinking Coffee what is the consequence for that? People cannot even be baptized if you wont give up coffee! think about that. The majority of members are addicted to caffeine and yet we act like coffee is made from Satan himself. God, its just ridiculous. The Dress code and masturbation,  we teach our youth to be ashamed of there bodies. Yes we are a religion that actually asks our youth and adults if you masturbate! Seriously! I have heard countless stories of teenagers going to confess to there bishops that they masturbated and having a freaking punishment or consequence for there actions. It is abusive and absolutely prosperous. My husband has told me of times in his youth where he toiled with this issue, AS EVERY TENNAGER ON THE PLANET DOES! He would be racked with guilt and pray begging God to help him stop. It isnt like he was jack rabbit either or had a problem with it. He was a young boy who was developing and experiencing new feelings. It is natural. a Religion should not govern our own freakin bodies. they believe God made our bodies, he gave us orgasms and feelings of attraction, he created pro- creation. So what is the big deal? why are we shaming our youth? Why are we teaching them unhealthy views about there own bodies? There is no need for it.
              If Mormonism would just get out of the way and let the youth experience life without shame they would find that they dont struggle with the things they think are such issues as much as you think. We are capable of so much more then they give credit. You might just find that we can be good people who love and are kind and have healthy relationships all without these insane rules and teachings. Now dont confuse what im saying as im pissed i didn't get to go out and "sin" But i can tell you that these teaching have directly affected my marriage and not in a good way. Most Mormon couples who get married in the temple and have lived the way they believe they are supposed to, they are completely blindsided when they get married. Sex is not what they expected, because we dont talk about it. Since leaving Mormonism my Love for Alan has grown 10 fold. We share in intimacy holding nothing back, nothing is off limits and it is beautiful. No shame, no over thinking, just us. Husband and Wife, Soulmates, True love.

              When Mormons Post there testimonies and share the message they think are so uplifting and it is for other fellow Mormons, they dont realize how much it hurts for people like me to read it. Because i believed that once, now i see it as lies and i go through a process as i read it. I think about the person who is posting it, There belief is what they want and that is okay. Im okay either scrolling by or reading and just being okay with loving them and recognizing that Mormonism is what they want. Can they extend the same courtesy to me? Some do, some dont. I have lost friends, i have received private messages, i have listened to hour long Marco Polo's of my friends berating me. I have been told that an " attack on the church is an attack on them" What a bunch of manipulative bull. First of all i haven't attacked the church on social media AT ALL! I support a movement they dont agree with and it makes them so uncomfortable.  I dont think that my Mormon friends know how much what they post affects me, but i dont say it. I dont send them a message or comment. I love them and respect them. Why cant they do the same for me? Why are they so offended by my choices? Why cant you scroll on by just like i do?  Let me tell you why. Because they are being taught to surround themselves with only positive, uplifting, church approved things. They see it as unhealthy for their mental and spiritual state to see it.
Well guess what? Your churchy posts are unhealthy for my mental state but i am strong, i am kind, i am loving and i can put my big girl panties on and get over it!

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5) " Some of God's greatest Gifts, Are unanswered prayers" - Garth Brooks

       The fallout from reading the CES letter was.... a roller coaster to say the least. There were things in there i have NEVER once heard in all my life. When i was done reading i had this overwhelming flow of emotions washing over me. I was stunned, shocked, super sad, angry, scared and i just sat there thinking What the heck just happened? What is this story about Joseph using a rock in a hat to translate the BOM? i have never heard that before. Well that is because i never cared to study, i just listened to what was told at church and that was it. I just read the book, and went through the motions of life as a Mormon. When i learned that Joseph and his family were treasure seekers i was just blown away, and to the TBM's you cant dispute this. It is a fact, no excuses! It was at this moment i slowly started to realize that in Mormonism EVERYTHING relies so heavily on faith. You always hear " faith without works is dead" When you are in your whole life that seems to make sense but to the rest of the world, that's crazy!
         Now bear with me as i try to explain the train ride of the next few weeks of this part of my journey. I went through a period where i desperately wanted to hold onto my belief in God and Jesus Christ as i understood them to be, so i went searching. First i found this site called Ex Mormon files. It was started by a Former Bishop who left for the same historical issues i did but he still holds a strong belief in Christ. He interviews people who have left and they share there stories. It is a peaceful site, its not angry and it just has a more " reverent " tone if you will. I listened to an interview with Shawn McCraney and his story really resonated with me. He has his own show called Heart of the Matter and he studies the Bible and also has Super Mormony Mormons call in and try to attack him and he is able to defend himself so well and prove to  them that Mormonism is not true. Something he once said that i liked at the time. He said that "Mormons dont accept that Christ is good enough. They believe that they do all that they can then Christ does the rest. So only after all i can do, they dont believe that Christ and his sacrifice is enough, they have to add to it." WOW!  that just hit my like a ton of bricks. No wonder i always felt so damn guilty all the time. I will never measure up! I will always fail. Ya know its funny, As i really soaked that in i found that it made me be a better person. I was kinder, more patient. The guilt was gone, i then realized that hey Im a good person because i want to be. The rules, and the guilt and the punishment for sin and all the enduring didnt make me better, Mormonism didnt make me a better person. I did. I chose to be a better person because i had the agency. True free agency allows us the freedom to shape who we want to be. Mormonism takes free agency away from you.
         I found comfort in connecting with these stories as i faced the fact that in my life here i was going to loose my community. When you are raised as a Mormon it is all you know,You grow up with them and are not surrounded by people who are not members.  Now i know how to talk to people and make friends even though im more of an introvert and kind of shy. I am likable, funny once you get to know me and i know how to connect with people. When i realized i didnt want to go back to church, ever i felt such a huge loss. I was loosing my entire world. I was loosing my community of "like minded" friends. It felt lonely and scary, do i know how to really make friends out there? Can i start over and build a new community for my self ? Will they accept me? How do i figure out who i am? Its a very daunting, painful process.

        Through all of this gathering of information, and swell of emotions i was still praying. I was begging God at this point, just sobbing crying out for answers. " Why, why am i not receiving anything! please God if anything i have learned is not true tell me! im listening, i need you and i need the truth." I had already read the BOM, i tried to read it again. I needed to know. Im telling you i just got nothing. I didnt feel a nervousness when i read about the history of the church, i didnt feel the spirit whisper in my ear. I didnt feel anything.

         What am i supposed to do with that? just have faith? Faith in what? God? I was reaching out on my end, for weeks and weeks and he didnt reach back. There comes a point where i let go of the belief that i needed to always have faith, and i looked for facts and truth. It's there if you want to find it. The truth, its there. It is here that i started to feel more free, i was being liberated. A new Lisa was being born and boy it is really exciting to find yourself with new eyes and a clearer mind. I have much more of my story to tell, im not entirely free just yet. ;)

4) To pray or not to pray, that is the question isn't it?

       Okay so here's the thing. At this point in my story i am always asked by TBM memebers " Did you pray about it? have you read the ( BOM) Book of Mormon? YES, yes, yes, God yes. I hate it when people ask me this. I am not an idiot do you really think i havent thought about that? I mean i have been a member my entire life, i know the drill, i know what the church teaches about how to find answers. Here is the problem, what are you going to say when i say Yes? The possibility that MY answer was that Joseph Smith was not a prophet, that my answer is different than yours well... that cant be right? So you then have to justify it somehow in your mind, maybe i dont really know how to pray, i didnt do it right? maybe im not worthy enough? Maybe God is on vacation that day who knows. Seriously though, This bugs me to no end. I have read the BOM 3 times !!! front to back, cover to cover. At the time did i read it and receive any " confirmation " that it was true? Honestly no i didnt. It didnt leave me with any bad feelings, i didnt think is was not true. It also isnt designed to make you feel bad, if you dont know the history of how it came to be and you only know the narrative the church tell  you then sure yeah it sounds wonderful, it feels uplifting and i wont deny there are some lessons in there. I think there are some stories and things that you can take away from the book and be able to apply that to your life. I also think you can do that with just about any other book ;) I also want to mention that my Husband was on this journey with me, he was doing his own study and prayer and research and then we would come together and talk for hours about it, we cried together we discussed and weighed all this heavy stuff TOGETHER. He is an amazing man.

             So lets talk about prayer. So at this point i am devastated to learn all the things i have about polygamy, im saddened listening to the journal entries from these women. The foundation of my belief in THIS church has been broken. I still have a belief in God and Jesus Christ at this point and i decide ya know what, this is my last chance. my last ditch effort. I am going to pray my heart out and beg for something. If God is really out there watching me and he loves me and he hands out these confirmations to people like candy then surely i will receive mine. So i did, i poured my heart and soul out i was real and honest. I told God that i needed him, and i was going to continue to search for information and answers and i was asking for his spirit to guide me in the right direction. Here is where i delve into the " Church approved" Gospel topic essays. Oh boy... what a bunch of gas lighting bull. Dont know what gas lighting is? Google it. I see it ALL OVER THIS CHURCH it is a evil thing to do to people and it is a sure sign to me that this church is a cult. You see  here is where you start to see the sneaky old men leading this church pull there tricky tricks. You want to know more about the history of this church and only read church approved things? start there :) and may the force be with you. Oh and just a tip , have D &C 132 open as you read about polygamy, read it ever so slowly, digest what it is really saying, you might just discover something new. That is after all what you believe isnt it? " Every time i read the scriptures i find something new that i didn't before." Hahaha yeah i was feelin the spirit that day!!!!  ( not really that was a joke ;)
After i completed reading through those i was just pissed off. i really thought i would feel the burning in my bosom, i thought God would confirm the truthfulness of the church to me. i only came away with more questions and i did NOT feel all the warm fuzzies. So i prayed again, i prayed and cried about the essays asking again for guidance. So i thought okay im going to look into this CES letter i keep hearing about and maybe i can debunk whatever is in there.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Silly Lisa you cant debunk the truth! Im not qualified as a church apologist to make excuses up for that shit, Holy crap! You want to know what everyone is leaving the church for? here ya go! https://cesletter.org/

3) Face First down the Rabbit Hole - Polygamy

             My Fall began and i mean really began when my Testimony of Joseph Smith fractured. I know many other members knew that he was a polygamist, but i didnt. I knew that polygamy was a thing, i knew that but for some reason it really bothered me that Joseph was. I was always taught the narrative that polygamy came about because so many men were dying and there were so many widows. The men that were living were there to take care of the women. What a load of bull!! This is a lie! a straight up, bold face LIE! Guess what? 14 yr olds  ARE NOT WIDOWS! Women who are already married ... ARE NOT WIDOWS. I have had this picture in my head about who Joseph was and i felt betrayed. It hurt me that the picture that was painted wasn't true. Prior to this point i had ZERO clue what polyandry even was. Joseph was straight up married to other LIVING mens wives. I mean can you imagine? ugg disgusting. Well where is the proof you say? Did i just hear someone say this and believe it at face value? NO i sure as hell did not. Here's the thing and i hope if any (TBM) True Believing Mormons are reading this that you will really hear this. "Anti- Mormon" is NOT what you think it is. If you ONLY look at, and read church approved materials you will only know the narrative they want you to know. There is such a full and deep history in this religion and so much information is out there. This " Anti- Mormon stuff is the History of this church. I started listening to a podcast called Year of Polygamy. This podcast is truly amazing and really opened my eyes to what the life of polygamy looks like from the women's point of view. I encourage anyone to listen to this podcast starting from episode 1 if you really want to know the truth about polygamy. The podcaster Lindsey Hansen Park gives ONLY factual evidence, she reads from the actual journals from these women and if there is information that we dont have concrete yes this happened she says so and makes it known that its just speculation. Some women we have a lot of background information for some we dont. Joseph married at least 34 wives. There were so many that he married WITHOUT Emmas knowledge OR consent. Now lets just pause for a second. Lets just say that polygamy really did come from God and that Joseph really is who he says he is. Picture in your mind the God you believe in , Picture Jesus Christ. Do you really think that God would send a revelation to Joseph and say " I want you to institute the Law of Polygamy and i dont want you to tell your wife Emma. I want you to hide it from her, i also want you to take and marry a young 14 yr old Girl to wife. Then when when your wife Emma asks about it Lie, lie to her. When the time comes i will reveal the next girl you are to wife. When she tells you that she is marrying another, send him on a mission and marry her while he is away." This happened! We have documented proof these things happened.
How is this picture in your head lookin? Doesnt sit right does it? Yeah didnt think so. Because the Jesus Christ i was always taught, wasnt a liar, he was supposed to be a humble and kind Savior, he wouldnt be dishonest and deceitful.
              Its Disgusting. Polygamy is torturous... it is an evil evil practice. These women are denied the opportunity to love and be loved, What a sad life for them to live, and for the argument that they were being taken care of? Thats bull shit. How? how do i ask that one man can provide for 34 women and there children? Huh? how? He cant! Joseph was married AND SEALED to 26 women BEFORE he was sealed to Emma? I mean WTH! How does this make any sense? Oh and here is a real kicker. So Emma did not want to accept this horrendous law and fought Joseph on it repeatedly, she finally caved and agreed that she would behave if she could choose the wives he would marry. There were two sisters living in there home as helpers and she chose them to marry Joseph. Guess what? HE ALREADY DID!  Joseph was sealed...again in front of Emma so that she could be a witness to the ceremony. So Emma stands there the fool having no clue that everyone in the room already knows that Joseph was already married and sealed to these girls. So again i ask, Can you really picture in your mind God, or Jesus Christ choosing Joseph to be the Prophet of his chosen church when he is a liar? Can u imagine the prophet deceiving like this? It is to much mental gymnastics. This hurt, learning the truth about polygamy really really hurt. I cannot accept this, polygamy is cruel and just flat out evil. This my friends was the moment my first shelf truly truly broke.

Part 2 - Before the Fall

          These friends, the ones i mentioned that left. I want to be very clear about something they are NOT the reason i left the church. I am aware that people only see what is on fb, and insta and so they make there own conclusions. They see a picture of us together or gather little snippets from my comments on there fb posts. I understand, but you see nobody but us sees what goes on in our home. the long late night conversations, the hours and hours of searching for answers, reading and studying, the teared filled prayers. No one sees those things, so it is easy to judge and come up with your own story as to what MY story really is.

        My friends only shared there own story. They were considerate of us as active members. They only shared how The church affected there own lives, they didnt even delve into the " anti mormon " sources. So if you have it in your head that they told us some anti-mormon lies, get that idea out of your head right now, it is NOT true.

       Now let me back up just a little bit, after a year had gone by with the creep in my ward i was called to serve in the Young Women and i LOVED this calling. I love all those girls so much and i had so much fun getting to know them. There was one Sunday where the lesson was on dating. During the lesson they made a list on the board of qualities that we need to look for in a righteous good husband. Some of them were, Returned missionary, good to his mom, honors his priesthood, wants a family, doesnt smoke or drink, just to name a few. I sat there thinking about how these answers have affected me in my life. First one, Returned missionary. I have dated a returned missionary and he didnt treat me very well at all. I loved him and thought we would get married. He fake proposed to me in front of his family as a joke. I was humiliated and i went home and cried for hours. He broke up with me with his entire family there at an event BEFORE it started, and i had to sit there and pretend i wasnt just heartbroken. Some returned missionary. My Husband, the love of my life who treats me so well, he didnt serve a mission. So what kind of criteria are we teaching these girls? I also looked around at these girls and i knew some of there family situations. the majority of there families were broken, there parents smoke or drink or are not even members. How does this make them feel? Why cant we teach these girls HOW to date?? and not WHO to date? If a man loves them, is kind to them, makes her laugh and smile, why does it matter if he served a mission?
I really struggled with this lesson but this is not a reason i left. It contributes to the frustration that i felt that broke my wall to allow me to listen. The lesson the next week was HORRENDOUS i walked out in the middle of it and sobbed, SOBBED in my car. This lesson was on sexual sin, thats right we were teaching about sexual sin to the 12 yr olds. The topic came up about modesty and how it influences sexual sin. Someone said that we need to consider how what we wear affects the boys around us. I spoke up and said" We are NOT responsible for the actions of boys because of what we wear". Its not like anyone plans on walking aroundin thongs and suspenders, sheesh. The other leader in the room shared a story. She said " My brother went to a dance and a girl was wearing a dress that showed to much cleavage and he had a hard time concentrating. " ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????  I was livid at this horrible example to tell these girls that it is There fault if a boy has impure thoughts. Hell i had cleavage wearing my MODEST wedding dress. Why? because i have big boobs plain and simple i have always struggled to wear shirts where my cleavage doesnt show. I see these girls being set up to be ashamed of there bodies, also having unnrealistic expectations for intimacy cause let me tell you, i know of not one single solitary Mormon couple who have a Good, beautiful Honeymoon story to tell! I dont mind teaching our youth to be safe, but why instead of having a lesson teaching our girls to fear "sin" to fear the things that come naturally because we are humans and they are growing and discovering there bodies, sexuality and love. Why dont we teach them to love themselves, to send messages of acceptance of themselves, God we dont need to shame them before they even "sin" and leave the SEX talks to the parents. It doesnt belong at church.

          This was my last Sunday, i was still attending Mutual on Wed but only like 2 weeks after this lesson i was released. At this point i hadnt reached the things that led me to leave. At this point i needed a break. I needed to discover myself, i wanted to take some time for Lisa. In all my years having babies and taking care of everyone BUT me i decided it was time to take some time for myself. I couldnt do that in the ward where i have really strong, deep, complicated feelings for the members and the doctrines being taught.
The next stage of my story is my fall down the Rabbit hole. So buckle up! Its a bumpy ride ;)

1) How it all began

I have been a member of Mormonism aka The church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints entire life, born n bred. Baptized at 8 by my Dad, i attended young womens i went to mutual every  Wed. I attended the Temple at age 12 doing baptisms for the dead with all the youth. Oh and mingled in all these years i was sexually molested but our family just carried on like any other in a tiny Utah town.

      Eventually my parents divorced, in the middle of all that i picked up and moved to St. George Ut. I was depressed and lonley, i spent a lot of time journaling on the temple grounds.  I decided i wanted to serve a mission, so i went back home to NM so i could leave from a familiar ward with my family close by. When i got back home i reconnected with my old boss, and i asked her about her son Alan, We dated breifly in high school. I was given his email and we reconnected. Long story short he moved back home and we started dating and quickly fell in love and wanted to get married. I toiled with the choice to either get married or serve a mission.  In the end it just wasnt hard to decide. I was in love and i didnt want to risk
 Coming home and Alan not being avaliable.

        In 2007 Alan and i married in the Manti Temple. It was a beautiful day, everything really was perfect. The next several years were hard. We had 4 kids and dealt with some heavy heavy shit. We stuck together and hung in there together trying to do what we believed the Lord wanted us to do. We worked with church leaders to resolve the sins and problems we were facing.  There is a lot of guilt within the church when you sin or do anything they concider wrong. Im not talkin the big 10 commanment sin most every other religion teaches. No, mormonism takes ALL your free agency and dangles it in your face. Oh we believe in free agency they say, BUT if you break the rules or dont fall in line you will be punished, shamed, guilted, kicked out. Sometimes your eternal salvation is even at stake.

       You cant drink coffee, tea, alcohol,  get a tattoo, wear " immodest" clothing, have sex, be gay, accept gay marriage, swear, say God, question church leaders, say no to a calling, say no to saying the prayer in public, have fun on sundays,   hell now days you cant even be baptized if your parents are gay.  Free agency? I think not. There is NO free agency in Mormonism. None. True free agency would allow us to make choices, learn as we go without punishment.

       Fast forward to 2017. We took our family to a ward activity at a park in Aug. They had water games , so we came prepared for the kids to get wet. Katie my daughter who was 7 at the time. She was soaked from head to toe when it came time to leave. As we were gathering our things, this man in our ward pulled up and walked toward us. This man is CREEEEEPY! He is the type to invade your personal space and be a little to hugy. Hes older and so eveyone just deals with it and give him a pass because it seems easier and honestly nobody wants to cause a scene or confront him. Now i never saw what happened, i was to busy getting my boys together. My husband however he heard it. Then tunred and saw him with my daughter.
This man went up to hug katie but he pulled her into him face forward, not a side hug or pat on the shoulder. Also keep in mind we are not friends with this guy, we are not close. After he pullled her into him like that he kissed her on the forehead. Umm..... WTH??? I dont even do this to my neices and nephews. That is so not okay. My daughter told us exactly how it happened and showed us when we got home since we didn't see it from the beggining.  We contacted our bishop and in this meeting Alan told him what happened. He didnt offer any personal help in the way of agreeing to talk with him. He contacted our stake president and set up a meeting.
In that meeting we relayed the story, he listened intently asking for details. He seemed to really want to know what happened. Then he asked " what would you like to see happen"
In my head i was screaming " I WANT SOMEONE TO TELL HIM TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND NEVER SHOW HIS FACE AGAIN!" But i know that would NEVER happen, after all the church is for everyone right? 🙄 unless your gay, then no place for you!
So i told him, " well he needs to stop greeting people at the door. He needs to go in sit down and keep to himself. " okay agreed,done
I said "He also needs to stop wandering the halls. He needs to go to his class and stay there. " okay agreed,  done. But wait..... who is going to make sure he does that? Does some poor soul have to be given the task or " calling " to follow this jerk?  Yeah didnt think so. He was ALWAYS wandering around, sometimes even near the primary kids. Yuck! As i kept chugging along attending my meeting, going to church, serving best i could i started to let my true feelings for him show. I hated him, i hated sitting in sacrament and looking at his ugly head, i hated that i was the one who had to just deal with it. He gets off scott free, walking around being a creep making women and kids feel uncomfortable and upset but i am expected to forgive, to leave it to God. I have to cheerily push along doing my duty.  Umm No. I tried pushing along for a year. Finally i allowed myself to be pissed, i gave myself permission to healthily deal with the issue and feel all the feels. I was pissed, i was bitter and i I hated him. I was frustrated with the church, i started looking for God and Jesus there and guess what? He was nowhere to be found! Well then you are not paying attention and you need to repent they will say. Satan has a hold of you, you need to pray more, be better, do better, YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Yes thats right, shame shame, shame. You cant be upset some creep kissed your daughter and he gets to roam freely in the very halls your kids walk. I went looking for God. I looked for Christ in church. All i found was Joseph Smith. All we sang about was Joseph. Now i know thay this isn't the story in every ward, but im not in the other wards. In MY ward that is how it went.

           There is a family that left the church about a year before all this. We are friends on FB, i followed them closely because deep in my core i was curious. I was curious how someone who served as a Bishop and held a stake calling could leave. It took a while until i was ready to really listen to there story and understand, When i was ready, my life changed forever.