The fallout from reading the CES letter was.... a roller coaster to say the least. There were things in there i have NEVER once heard in all my life. When i was done reading i had this overwhelming flow of emotions washing over me. I was stunned, shocked, super sad, angry, scared and i just sat there thinking What the heck just happened? What is this story about Joseph using a rock in a hat to translate the BOM? i have never heard that before. Well that is because i never cared to study, i just listened to what was told at church and that was it. I just read the book, and went through the motions of life as a Mormon. When i learned that Joseph and his family were treasure seekers i was just blown away, and to the TBM's you cant dispute this. It is a fact, no excuses! It was at this moment i slowly started to realize that in Mormonism EVERYTHING relies so heavily on faith. You always hear " faith without works is dead" When you are in your whole life that seems to make sense but to the rest of the world, that's crazy!
Now bear with me as i try to explain the train ride of the next few weeks of this part of my journey. I went through a period where i desperately wanted to hold onto my belief in God and Jesus Christ as i understood them to be, so i went searching. First i found this site called Ex Mormon files. It was started by a Former Bishop who left for the same historical issues i did but he still holds a strong belief in Christ. He interviews people who have left and they share there stories. It is a peaceful site, its not angry and it just has a more " reverent " tone if you will. I listened to an interview with Shawn McCraney and his story really resonated with me. He has his own show called Heart of the Matter and he studies the Bible and also has Super Mormony Mormons call in and try to attack him and he is able to defend himself so well and prove to them that Mormonism is not true. Something he once said that i liked at the time. He said that "Mormons dont accept that Christ is good enough. They believe that they do all that they can then Christ does the rest. So only after all i can do, they dont believe that Christ and his sacrifice is enough, they have to add to it." WOW! that just hit my like a ton of bricks. No wonder i always felt so damn guilty all the time. I will never measure up! I will always fail. Ya know its funny, As i really soaked that in i found that it made me be a better person. I was kinder, more patient. The guilt was gone, i then realized that hey Im a good person because i want to be. The rules, and the guilt and the punishment for sin and all the enduring didnt make me better, Mormonism didnt make me a better person. I did. I chose to be a better person because i had the agency. True free agency allows us the freedom to shape who we want to be. Mormonism takes free agency away from you.
I found comfort in connecting with these stories as i faced the fact that in my life here i was going to loose my community. When you are raised as a Mormon it is all you know,You grow up with them and are not surrounded by people who are not members. Now i know how to talk to people and make friends even though im more of an introvert and kind of shy. I am likable, funny once you get to know me and i know how to connect with people. When i realized i didnt want to go back to church, ever i felt such a huge loss. I was loosing my entire world. I was loosing my community of "like minded" friends. It felt lonely and scary, do i know how to really make friends out there? Can i start over and build a new community for my self ? Will they accept me? How do i figure out who i am? Its a very daunting, painful process.
Through all of this gathering of information, and swell of emotions i was still praying. I was begging God at this point, just sobbing crying out for answers. " Why, why am i not receiving anything! please God if anything i have learned is not true tell me! im listening, i need you and i need the truth." I had already read the BOM, i tried to read it again. I needed to know. Im telling you i just got nothing. I didnt feel a nervousness when i read about the history of the church, i didnt feel the spirit whisper in my ear. I didnt feel anything.
What am i supposed to do with that? just have faith? Faith in what? God? I was reaching out on my end, for weeks and weeks and he didnt reach back. There comes a point where i let go of the belief that i needed to always have faith, and i looked for facts and truth. It's there if you want to find it. The truth, its there. It is here that i started to feel more free, i was being liberated. A new Lisa was being born and boy it is really exciting to find yourself with new eyes and a clearer mind. I have much more of my story to tell, im not entirely free just yet. ;)
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