At this point I have been released from my calling in the Young Women for about 2 weeks or so, i cant remember exactly. I was living vicariously through my Best friend who is still an active Mormon, she serves in the YW. I would ask her about the girls and she would tell me about the activities they had. There was one night where i was sitting on the couch surfing social media on my phone and i watched a video of of my my YW singing in a choir. I was suddenly overcome with tears and i let myself mourn the loss of my calling serving those girls. My husband was in the kitchen and i walked up to him and just said " Alan im really sad, i really miss those girls and im upset i wont see them again. " He just held me and let me cry on his shoulder. That was a hard night, i still to this day miss them all so much but the sting isnt as strong.
One of the things that Mormons like to say, and i will admit i have done this myself is " Why cant people who leave the church just leave the church alone." Let me answer that for you the best i can. Maybe it will help you understand what it feels like to leave. As a born n bred Mormon is is all i have known, in my life from teenager years, to collage to dating and marriage to having kids all of those years decisions were made based off my beliefs in my religion. I didn't drink, i didn't have sex before i was married, i didn't drink coffee, i didn't wear shorts shorter than my knees. I made plenty of mistakes and dumb choices but i didn't get to experience the things that almost everyone outside of Mormonism does. So at the age of 32 i get to a point where i start asking some questions, and with each topic of Doctrine in the church my shelves start to crack. Some say that these shelves represent things you had questions about but you put it on the shelf and ignored it. While that is true for me as well, i also see it as shelves of LDS doctrine even is you didn't question it. Someone once shared a story with me and you might have heard it. It compares leaving the church to spilled beans. When i discovered the truth about polygamy it was like the shelf of beans fell, a large CRASH and they went rolling all over the floor and in a panic i try to pick up all the beans. Then another shelf starts to crack and i panic thinking " Please God no not again". Crash! the shelf that once held the belief that the First Vision account is the ONLY account and the true account, that shelf fell. i now have hundreds and hundreds of beans spilled everywhere. More shelves start falling, Blacks and the priesthood, The book of Abraham, Second Anointing, Counterfeiting, LGBTQ issues, 2015 policy, Tithing, Gas lighting, Translation of the BOM, and so.much. more! At this point i have thousands of beans and i sit on the floor surrounded by the lies, the questions and truth and i dont know how to put it all back together.
I feel tricked and it makes me so angry! i want to grab handfuls of the beans and throw them at the mirror and shatter the glass into a million little shards. I have been brainwashed to believe a lie, i am a member of a Cult. As strongly as members believe they "know" the church i true. I KNOW it is not. I know that Joseph Smith was a liar and he made it all up, he is the greatest con man to ever live. I want to share it! I want everyone to know what i have experienced. I see this church as harmful, and dangerous. Just like Mormons want share there testimonies all the time, they go on FB and declare there belief in Christ and the restoration. This is no different.
I thought about all the experiences i was robbed of. Some would say i was still able to choose those things, but i wasn't really because my salvation was being dangled in front of me. There is a punishment and consequence for making choices. Drinking Coffee what is the consequence for that? People cannot even be baptized if you wont give up coffee! think about that. The majority of members are addicted to caffeine and yet we act like coffee is made from Satan himself. God, its just ridiculous. The Dress code and masturbation, we teach our youth to be ashamed of there bodies. Yes we are a religion that actually asks our youth and adults if you masturbate! Seriously! I have heard countless stories of teenagers going to confess to there bishops that they masturbated and having a freaking punishment or consequence for there actions. It is abusive and absolutely prosperous. My husband has told me of times in his youth where he toiled with this issue, AS EVERY TENNAGER ON THE PLANET DOES! He would be racked with guilt and pray begging God to help him stop. It isnt like he was jack rabbit either or had a problem with it. He was a young boy who was developing and experiencing new feelings. It is natural. a Religion should not govern our own freakin bodies. they believe God made our bodies, he gave us orgasms and feelings of attraction, he created pro- creation. So what is the big deal? why are we shaming our youth? Why are we teaching them unhealthy views about there own bodies? There is no need for it.
If Mormonism would just get out of the way and let the youth experience life without shame they would find that they dont struggle with the things they think are such issues as much as you think. We are capable of so much more then they give credit. You might just find that we can be good people who love and are kind and have healthy relationships all without these insane rules and teachings. Now dont confuse what im saying as im pissed i didn't get to go out and "sin" But i can tell you that these teaching have directly affected my marriage and not in a good way. Most Mormon couples who get married in the temple and have lived the way they believe they are supposed to, they are completely blindsided when they get married. Sex is not what they expected, because we dont talk about it. Since leaving Mormonism my Love for Alan has grown 10 fold. We share in intimacy holding nothing back, nothing is off limits and it is beautiful. No shame, no over thinking, just us. Husband and Wife, Soulmates, True love.
When Mormons Post there testimonies and share the message they think are so uplifting and it is for other fellow Mormons, they dont realize how much it hurts for people like me to read it. Because i believed that once, now i see it as lies and i go through a process as i read it. I think about the person who is posting it, There belief is what they want and that is okay. Im okay either scrolling by or reading and just being okay with loving them and recognizing that Mormonism is what they want. Can they extend the same courtesy to me? Some do, some dont. I have lost friends, i have received private messages, i have listened to hour long Marco Polo's of my friends berating me. I have been told that an " attack on the church is an attack on them" What a bunch of manipulative bull. First of all i haven't attacked the church on social media AT ALL! I support a movement they dont agree with and it makes them so uncomfortable. I dont think that my Mormon friends know how much what they post affects me, but i dont say it. I dont send them a message or comment. I love them and respect them. Why cant they do the same for me? Why are they so offended by my choices? Why cant you scroll on by just like i do? Let me tell you why. Because they are being taught to surround themselves with only positive, uplifting, church approved things. They see it as unhealthy for their mental and spiritual state to see it.
Well guess what? Your churchy posts are unhealthy for my mental state but i am strong, i am kind, i am loving and i can put my big girl panties on and get over it!
\
No comments:
Post a Comment