These friends, the ones i mentioned that left. I want to be very clear about something they are NOT the reason i left the church. I am aware that people only see what is on fb, and insta and so they make there own conclusions. They see a picture of us together or gather little snippets from my comments on there fb posts. I understand, but you see nobody but us sees what goes on in our home. the long late night conversations, the hours and hours of searching for answers, reading and studying, the teared filled prayers. No one sees those things, so it is easy to judge and come up with your own story as to what MY story really is.
My friends only shared there own story. They were considerate of us as active members. They only shared how The church affected there own lives, they didnt even delve into the " anti mormon " sources. So if you have it in your head that they told us some anti-mormon lies, get that idea out of your head right now, it is NOT true.
Now let me back up just a little bit, after a year had gone by with the creep in my ward i was called to serve in the Young Women and i LOVED this calling. I love all those girls so much and i had so much fun getting to know them. There was one Sunday where the lesson was on dating. During the lesson they made a list on the board of qualities that we need to look for in a righteous good husband. Some of them were, Returned missionary, good to his mom, honors his priesthood, wants a family, doesnt smoke or drink, just to name a few. I sat there thinking about how these answers have affected me in my life. First one, Returned missionary. I have dated a returned missionary and he didnt treat me very well at all. I loved him and thought we would get married. He fake proposed to me in front of his family as a joke. I was humiliated and i went home and cried for hours. He broke up with me with his entire family there at an event BEFORE it started, and i had to sit there and pretend i wasnt just heartbroken. Some returned missionary. My Husband, the love of my life who treats me so well, he didnt serve a mission. So what kind of criteria are we teaching these girls? I also looked around at these girls and i knew some of there family situations. the majority of there families were broken, there parents smoke or drink or are not even members. How does this make them feel? Why cant we teach these girls HOW to date?? and not WHO to date? If a man loves them, is kind to them, makes her laugh and smile, why does it matter if he served a mission?
I really struggled with this lesson but this is not a reason i left. It contributes to the frustration that i felt that broke my wall to allow me to listen. The lesson the next week was HORRENDOUS i walked out in the middle of it and sobbed, SOBBED in my car. This lesson was on sexual sin, thats right we were teaching about sexual sin to the 12 yr olds. The topic came up about modesty and how it influences sexual sin. Someone said that we need to consider how what we wear affects the boys around us. I spoke up and said" We are NOT responsible for the actions of boys because of what we wear". Its not like anyone plans on walking aroundin thongs and suspenders, sheesh. The other leader in the room shared a story. She said " My brother went to a dance and a girl was wearing a dress that showed to much cleavage and he had a hard time concentrating. " ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? I was livid at this horrible example to tell these girls that it is There fault if a boy has impure thoughts. Hell i had cleavage wearing my MODEST wedding dress. Why? because i have big boobs plain and simple i have always struggled to wear shirts where my cleavage doesnt show. I see these girls being set up to be ashamed of there bodies, also having unnrealistic expectations for intimacy cause let me tell you, i know of not one single solitary Mormon couple who have a Good, beautiful Honeymoon story to tell! I dont mind teaching our youth to be safe, but why instead of having a lesson teaching our girls to fear "sin" to fear the things that come naturally because we are humans and they are growing and discovering there bodies, sexuality and love. Why dont we teach them to love themselves, to send messages of acceptance of themselves, God we dont need to shame them before they even "sin" and leave the SEX talks to the parents. It doesnt belong at church.
This was my last Sunday, i was still attending Mutual on Wed but only like 2 weeks after this lesson i was released. At this point i hadnt reached the things that led me to leave. At this point i needed a break. I needed to discover myself, i wanted to take some time for Lisa. In all my years having babies and taking care of everyone BUT me i decided it was time to take some time for myself. I couldnt do that in the ward where i have really strong, deep, complicated feelings for the members and the doctrines being taught.
The next stage of my story is my fall down the Rabbit hole. So buckle up! Its a bumpy ride ;)
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