4) To pray or not to pray, that is the question isn't it?

       Okay so here's the thing. At this point in my story i am always asked by TBM memebers " Did you pray about it? have you read the ( BOM) Book of Mormon? YES, yes, yes, God yes. I hate it when people ask me this. I am not an idiot do you really think i havent thought about that? I mean i have been a member my entire life, i know the drill, i know what the church teaches about how to find answers. Here is the problem, what are you going to say when i say Yes? The possibility that MY answer was that Joseph Smith was not a prophet, that my answer is different than yours well... that cant be right? So you then have to justify it somehow in your mind, maybe i dont really know how to pray, i didnt do it right? maybe im not worthy enough? Maybe God is on vacation that day who knows. Seriously though, This bugs me to no end. I have read the BOM 3 times !!! front to back, cover to cover. At the time did i read it and receive any " confirmation " that it was true? Honestly no i didnt. It didnt leave me with any bad feelings, i didnt think is was not true. It also isnt designed to make you feel bad, if you dont know the history of how it came to be and you only know the narrative the church tell  you then sure yeah it sounds wonderful, it feels uplifting and i wont deny there are some lessons in there. I think there are some stories and things that you can take away from the book and be able to apply that to your life. I also think you can do that with just about any other book ;) I also want to mention that my Husband was on this journey with me, he was doing his own study and prayer and research and then we would come together and talk for hours about it, we cried together we discussed and weighed all this heavy stuff TOGETHER. He is an amazing man.

             So lets talk about prayer. So at this point i am devastated to learn all the things i have about polygamy, im saddened listening to the journal entries from these women. The foundation of my belief in THIS church has been broken. I still have a belief in God and Jesus Christ at this point and i decide ya know what, this is my last chance. my last ditch effort. I am going to pray my heart out and beg for something. If God is really out there watching me and he loves me and he hands out these confirmations to people like candy then surely i will receive mine. So i did, i poured my heart and soul out i was real and honest. I told God that i needed him, and i was going to continue to search for information and answers and i was asking for his spirit to guide me in the right direction. Here is where i delve into the " Church approved" Gospel topic essays. Oh boy... what a bunch of gas lighting bull. Dont know what gas lighting is? Google it. I see it ALL OVER THIS CHURCH it is a evil thing to do to people and it is a sure sign to me that this church is a cult. You see  here is where you start to see the sneaky old men leading this church pull there tricky tricks. You want to know more about the history of this church and only read church approved things? start there :) and may the force be with you. Oh and just a tip , have D &C 132 open as you read about polygamy, read it ever so slowly, digest what it is really saying, you might just discover something new. That is after all what you believe isnt it? " Every time i read the scriptures i find something new that i didn't before." Hahaha yeah i was feelin the spirit that day!!!!  ( not really that was a joke ;)
After i completed reading through those i was just pissed off. i really thought i would feel the burning in my bosom, i thought God would confirm the truthfulness of the church to me. i only came away with more questions and i did NOT feel all the warm fuzzies. So i prayed again, i prayed and cried about the essays asking again for guidance. So i thought okay im going to look into this CES letter i keep hearing about and maybe i can debunk whatever is in there.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Silly Lisa you cant debunk the truth! Im not qualified as a church apologist to make excuses up for that shit, Holy crap! You want to know what everyone is leaving the church for? here ya go! https://cesletter.org/