There are so many more things that i can share that are just out right lies from the church. Secrets, and things they dont want us to know. Each time i learn something new it just adds onto the pile at this point as my pile gets higher and higher it just strengthens my testimony that this church is not true, see what i did there? ;) When i first delved into polygamy i thought to myself Alright lets see if there is anything to this, lets see if all the people who are leaving the church in droves have a leg to stand on. I was blown away! I had no clue, no freakin clue. I was so lost in my Mormon bubble with my Mormon friends, my Mormon family, my Mormon way of life. I just couldnt see it, i didnt see the mass apostasy happening right before me. There are FB groups of "Ex-Mo's" ( people who leave) with thousands of people sharing there stories within this church and how they left. It is really eye opening and heartbreaking, i just wasnt really prepared for what would happen and where i would be today. I didnt look into these things with any intention to want to leave the church, i just wanted to learn more about my faith, i wanted to have an open mind and not judge my friends who had left. I just wanted to understand, but i cant " Un- know" all these things. I cant go back now! Everything i knew was just... gone, broken. Its a very scary place to be :(
You loose so much when you leave the church, now i have been asked what i DO believe now. Well this is hard question for me to answer. When i said my Last prayer , when i laid my whole heart broken and in pieces down and poured out my soul to him i walked away from that prayer with an emptiness inside of me. I knew that i had just lost everything i had every believed in. I think our minds have an amazing ability to protect us when we go through trauma. Now looking back, i think i knew that i didnt believe in God anymore, But it was to much, i wasnt able to handle it all at once, loosing everything. I went on desperately trying to hang on believing that God was real. I started to read the New Testament a lot. Everyday i was studying it, but there was something wrong. Why hadnt God answered me yet? Why after he knew that i had crumbled inside, why hadn't he rescued me? Why didnt i feel the spirit ? The silence broke my heart. All my life i have struggled to believe that i was worthy enough to be loved, i had always clung to the belief that God loved me no matter what was going on in my life. That was enough to get me through anything, suddenly my lifeline was gone.
You know what? I didnt sink, in Mormonism there is a great fear that without the church you just cant make it out in the big bad world. Everyday i got up, and i was grateful to not believe in a lie. The truth no matter what it is, is ALWAYS better than a lie. Everyday i was more sure of myself, i started to truly get to know myself, and ya know what? I like me! Im a good person, i make mistakes but i genuinely care a lot about people. I love to learn, i love to laugh and smile. I love to love and be loved in return. While i know all my posts seem so angry and like my life now really must suck lol But i have found happiness i didnt know was there. I have discovered so much about myself and about Alan! Oh how much i love that man, he is my rock. He loves me and treats me like his queen. Everyday is a gift, he makes me laugh and i feel so loved when i am with him. I love our lives together. :)
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