I have been thinking a lot recently about Forgiveness and the way this teaching as it is taught within Mormonism has affected my life. In the Doctrine and Covenants ( D&C) it teaches us “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
“And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.” (D&C 64:8–11.)
I endured many years with guilt and i felt a lot of pressure to forgive my abuser. There were many times in my life where i saught guidance and help from church leaders with things i was dealing with and it always lead back to my abuse. I was molested by someone i trusted when i was a child, my personal truth was damaged and i was forever changed. Without even realizing the severity of the impact the abuse had on my life, it was always the reason behind every single struggle i had. I was always counseled by leaders that i needed to forgive, forgive, forgive.
Forgiveness is a PERSONAL choice, and it is nobody's, i repeat nobody's business how, when, and IF you choose to do so. I didnt ask for the life i was given, i didnt ask to be sexually molested, i didnt have a choice in that. The church's stance that we need to forgive or we commit the greater sin is prosperous! It makes zero sense and i reject that teaching with every fiber of my being. Now im not referring to petty, selfish "offenses" when talking about forgivness, im referring to life altering offenses, things that hurt you and damage your personal truth. Things that destroy relationships and cause a ripple in your day to day life. Forgiveness is not for God, it is not for the offender, it is not for your peers, it is for YOU and you alone. Every single person has their own process, time line, and requirements to be able to forgive in the way that will free them of the burden that the offender put on them. You see, something that i just recently realized, When you hurt someone, you just gave them a job that they didnt ask for. They have to forgive you for that, its not just about forgiving for the offence that rocked their world, they then have to forgive you for the time, and energy that they have to put into healing themselves. For example when i got married and i was intimate with Alan a flood of unexpected emotions, hurt, and pain washed over me and i was pissed off at the work i had to put in to healing myself. I was so angry that my abuser took these experiences from me and ruined them, my first years of marriage were now a job, i had to work to fix me so that i could be a good wife. I didnt ask for that, but i had to do it to be happy and i was angry that i had to work so damn hard at it. So not only did i have to forgive for being abused i had to forgive for the time lost in repairing the damage done. Forgivness is not a get off the hook free card either. I might forgive someone and never want to see their face again.
Mormonism puts all of the offenders responsibility right back on you, to say that if i cant make my life right, i wasnt able to "forgive" someone that tore my soul in two, that i would then "stand condemed before the Lord" is an abusive teaching, I cant tell you how much guilt i have felt over this in my life.
Forgiveness doesnt have a start date, you might "forgive" and then one day peel back another layer and say "no, ya know what this really hurt me!" It doesnt mean that all that lead you to the point of forgiving is then undone. Peeling back all the layers and dealing with them is healthy, it is how we truly heal.
Now i have also been the offender in my life at some point, we all have. In my case i learned from a front row seat that you dont get to decide when you are forgiven, you dont get to choose how either. I accepted all my responsibility and did what was needed by the person i offended to make them okay again. It very well could have been that i was not ever forgiven and there is nothing i could do about that and it is also not their fault but mine. If someone chooses to forgive it should be to gain control in their own life again and not give their power over, that's it. Guilt and shame and FEAR from God is a religious tactic i will fight against. Do you honestly think that the Lord Jesus Christ as taught in scripture would look into the eyes of his child who he watched be hurt, broken and damaged and say " I condem you because you were not able to forgive, shame on you, depart from me. " ??
When religion gets out of the way, we as humans are more capable of Love and forgiveness all on our own.
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