I hope that i can make sense of all the feelings and thoughts i have going on right now.
Recently i have been digging deep into learning how to navigate relationships in my life with those that believe in God. I found a podcast where a Christian man wanted to open a dialect with his atheist friends and talk about how they are able to bond and share genuine experiences. I was really intrigued and wanted to hear more. In the beginning it all sounded great, these Christians really wanted to love others and really felt the love of Christ as they were saved. I was feeling encouragement that hey maybe it wont be as difficult as i have feared it to be. One of the guests was sharing a lesson that was taught to her by one of her preachers, he said " When you are a true follower of Christ you needent worry about non believers contaminating you, your light will shine and they will become more clean."
It dawned on me in that moment. Believers will always see me as "contaminated" that's just the very nature of religion. It doesn't matter how kind i am, how loving, generous, forgiving, or open minded. I -- in their eyes am " contaminated" Now maybe not all religious people would use that word but the idea is the same. Without believing in God, where is my light? where do i find my purpose? I could be knee deep in serving another human just as valiantly, and with as much love as the religious person next to me, and they will say " If only she had the light of Christ in her", "If only she were saved". So why do i try to be kind, loving, generous, forgiving and open minded? Because that is the world i want to live in. Because it makes me happy, because that is who i am, who i choose to be.
When someone you love or care about goes through something difficult, or experiences a loss in some way its normal that most people ( especially mormons ) respond with " Prayers" or " Sending prayers your way" something along those lines. When i was a TBM ( True believing mormon) i said this a lot, but guess what? I never actually did it. Don't get me wrong, i prayed. I had just as much faith as the next person, i was all in. At the end of the day when it came time to pray I was focused on my immediate family and callings. I have asked many others and they said the same thing. Its something that most ( not all ) people say to connect with those in their tribe. Makes sense, no big deal. Where do non believers fit into this scenario? What happens when a really religious person that you care about experiences something significant and the non believing friend shows concern?
Ill tell you how it feels. I was in this exact scenario recently. It hit me like a frickin freight train. I sat and allowed all the feelings i felt to wash over me. In that moment i envisioned a picture in my mind of me standing in the rain. My Religious friend whom i so deeply and dearly love was inside and all of the members of her tribe, ya know.. the ones that say " prayers" were all welcomed in and gathered in her embrace and gratitude for uplifting her with their " prayers" ?? while i was left standing in the rain crying " But i love you too".
Lord this really hurt. The pain was surprising and unexpected. It didnt matter that 2 days before i knew something was off. I thought about my friend ALL day, i have reached out and we both shared and our friendship grew even more. From an atheist perspective when someone you care about shares on social media or in person an experience, my mind doesnt jump to my beliefs about God. I have to think outside the box so to speak. I look deep into the person that i care about and i share genuine and honest feelings. I dont lean on a comfort that God will take care of them. I dont lean on faith. I use my heart. My love and concern for this person is my only focus and my reply to them comes from that place. That human, raw, real place.
It hurts to be left out in the rain. I am fully aware that i voluntarily of my own choice left my tribe. I walked away from my community of believers. But these moments have nothing to do with religion, i am not contaminated. I am worthy of being invited into the circle to share love and concern and friendship to my believing friends and family. I deserve a seat. I earned it. This world that i want to live in, there is a seat for everyone. Believers, atheists, LGBTQ, men, women, old and young. I am not all great qualities all the time. My anti-self rears its ugly head sometimes, but i do try.
One more thought before i end here, I in no way am saying that all religious people dont have the ability to be real, and genuine. I am simply sharing my experience to perhaps shed some light into the feelings of an atheist trying to strengthen, build and navigate relationships with the believers in my life. I will never stop trying to be better, to grow and learn. I love all my friends and family both believing and non.
